I HAVE come into work for a rest

Honestly, hats off to mother's worldwide, four days is all that's it's taken me to want to be in the haven that is the organised chaos of my desk. I don't know how you do it.... Jemima has a pair of lungs on her, I'm not sure whether there's a built in competition warning so that she figures she has to be louder than her sister. She is by some considerable margin! My birthday's in February, 2 sets of ear plugs please.

Christmas relaxed, tired and loud!

With every opened present Elspeth piped up with "I really wanted one of those", once again more toys than you can shake a big sack at.

Highlights for Elspeth are the step on electronic playmat keyboard, not quite the proportions of the one in "Big" [ok I'm showing my age, but didn't you always want a go on the huge keyboard, and to own one if you could?] but as versatile, and it even plays if you crawl down it like a caterpillar. Thank goodness that has a volume switch! And a brilliant book with material, you dress the girl by placing the material over the shape of a girl and then put the facing page down to hold the material in place. Elspeth has quite a flair for design, we may yet see gold Christmas wrapping paper dresses making their mark in the fashion arena.

Jemima too liked her gifts, particular favourites being the soft ball with a bell in the middle and the [poorly untoy titled] "development cube", as well as a funky mobile phone. The toy "not to release", would appear to be a humble wind up frog which kicks his legs and is intended for bath use but seems to appear at the dining table frequently.

As for Sarah and me, well we've got a mountain of grub to eat, booze to drink and films to watch... we've still got the running machine - I know I need to use it but there is no room for it I'll have to content myself with Gym membership... I am not one for resolutions but I must use the gym more often.

It's not sleep, just a succession of sort naps

For some reason both Jemima and Elspeth are experiencing difficulty sleeping and have been for the last 4-6 weeks. This invariably means that at least one, but often both, of Sarah and Me are bumbling around in a state of semi-consciousness/zombie-like wishing for sleep. A "night's sleep" in the household is a 6 or 7 hour stretch of crying/wailing/screaming puntuated by naps of between 5 and 15 minutes.

In Elspeth's case I think it is just pure excitement about the forthcoming festivities, in Jemima's case something is giving her seriously bad stomach ache [yes, and the nappies to go with it]. She seems most comfortable in a contorted arched position, this usually means she sleeps draped horizontally across one or other parent, [making sleep for the parent difficult for fear of squashing or her rolling off onto the floor]- we've "considered the options" [how legalistic] and put it down to the formula, well regime change, no formula before bed, a snack to try and fill her up and some of natures finest to polish it off. We shall see ho we go... oh yes Merry Christmas to you all!!

So much for the cheap job

Fleeced, that's how we feel.. the cheap job where the "Heating Engineer" [formerly known as plumbers] "fixed"* the heating problem the other week.

Despite being told that the charge out rate was £45 +VAT per half hour, and that a job of this type normally takes an hour and a half, we have been charged £135 +VATm this despite the "Heating Engineer" being in the house about 15-20 minutes and conducting an incomplete "repair". The "Heating Engineer" himself advising Sarah that it was a 1/2 hour job. When refusing to pay the amout the company obviously contacted the "Heating Engineer" who them spoke to Sarah complaining that he would now not get paid his £35... so a job takes 1/2 hour the "Heating Engineer" gets £35 and the company take a whopping £110+VAT - I'm in the wrong job!!

When Sarah mentioned the delay, the "Heating Engineer" said he'd only had the call that afternoon!! So much for customer service and they'll be there before midday!!

So we have offered £45 +VAT for the incomplete "repair", which is more than reasonable.

If we are not satisfied, trading standards and Watchdog are the next call.

*when I say fixed, I mean it in the loosest terms possible - he took a 13 amp fuse from a spare plug in the cellar to replace a fused 3 amp fuse as he hadn't got any spare ones....

I'm seeing hazy, dreamy lights... no they're just tacky!

Tacky, completely distasteful.... but you'd be sure to miss them or would you?

It is the time of year when normally sane rational people go absolutely stark raving mad... Christmas! Not the stark raving shopping lust that fuels the horrendous financial messes that a large number of people get themselves into every year by trying to ingratiate themselves with family members or heal long standing rifts by buying the most obscenely expensive tat or faddy item which will be discarded within 6 months, and then spending the next 11 months paying for it when the credit card bill plops onto the floor through the letter box, but the madness that seems to be escalating to ozone depleting and arctic ice cap melting proportions that is the Christmas [Seasonal - for the PC out there] lights "sensation".

Sod the fact that the ice cap is melting, fuel prices are rising and the ozone is [probably] still depleting [not that people seem to give a stuff anymore now that they have factor 50 sun cream]!! Lets face it, they look CHEAP and NASTY!! In the same way that stone cladding will knock 10% off the value of your house "the lights" can bring the largest house down to the same tacky level.... Stop it I say!!

Elspeth of course, thinks they're wonderful. But might I remind everyone SHE IS ONLY 3 1/2!! Everything is wonderful at 3 1/2...

We present "The Marvellous Flying Elspeth"

The fright of our lives last night - or at least level with the Sarah dropping Elspeth out of the carry cot incident when she was barely 2 weeks old - I was running a bath for Jemima and Elspeth, I grabbed a towel for Jemima and casually asked Elspeth to get her towel which was in her room. The next thing I am aware of is the slow motion sight of Elspeth almost cart wheeling down the stairs.

I saw stairgate and daughter careering down the stairs.

My heart raced as I ran the four steps to the top of the stairs to see Elspeth face down about six steps from the foot of the stair. Dashed down the stairs, to grab her, met almost simultaneously by Sarah as Elsepth wailed...

On hearing Elspeth [and being seemingly suddenly abandoned by her mother, Jemima joined in the crying]. Miraculously Elspeth was a little shaken and briefly shocked, but escaped without a scratch!

It appears the dodgy looking stair gate was entirely so and when Elspeth leaned too firmly against it... the rest is above.